


Onions & Spirals

by LostCryptid



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Banter, Domestic Fluff, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, No beta we die like archival assistants, Onions, it/its pronouns for michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostCryptid/pseuds/LostCryptid
Summary: Gerry wants to make Onion RingsIt doesn't go quite as planned but having Michael help isn't all that bad
Relationships: Gerard Keay/Michael | The Distortion
Comments: 20
Kudos: 119





	Onions & Spirals

Gerry wasn’t a good cook by all means, but he was a passable one most of the time. That was unless he forgot that he had something on the stove over research, but usually, he managed just fine.

So making Onion Rings should be something achievable. He was hunting evil books for a living, cutting some onions should be a piece of cake. As it turned out, chopping Onions was a horrible task, and Gerry would actually prefer to go hunt a Leitner or fight some Fleshmonster instead of cutting vegetables that made your eyes tear up and threatened to ruin your make up.

Nonetheless, he still wanted onion rings, and since the Eye hadn’t gifted him with onion fume resistant eyes upon his reluctant alignment with it, he would have to deal.

Gerry rubbed his forearm over his face, trying to wipe the tears away without getting any onion juice near his eyes before he returned to cutting the mean little fuckers.

Engrossed in his task and focused on not tearing up, Gerry missed the telltale sound of a door opening behind him and didn’t notice a certain something creeping up on him. Until he felt static on his skin followed by long arms wrapping around him and a head, he assumed, being place on his, startling him back into awareness.

“Michael?”

Headache inducing laughter answered him.

“It’s been a while since I managed to surprise you, little book hunter.”

Gerry knew Michael well enough by now to recognize the satisfaction swinging in its voice.

“Don’t get used to it.” he huffed and pushed a golden curl that had ended up in front of his eyes out of the way. “And I’m not little.”

“I’d say you are.”

Gerry rolled his eyes, compared to a 6 foot something Spiral Monster he probably counted as little.

“What do you want, anyway?”

“Do I need to want anything to visit a friend?”

Gerry wondered why he even bothered to ask when there was no clear answer to be expected.

“We’re friends?”

“What else would you call it?”

Gerry shrugged and put the knife down. He gave up on his onion rings for now.

“Some part of me is still convinced that you’ll eat me one day, so I’m not sure.”

That was a lie, something Michael was probably aware off, Gerry simply refused to admit that he had come to care about it more than he probably should.

“You’d taste horrible.”

Gerry laughed and turned around in Michael’s hold, turning the entire thing into something vaguely resembling a hug. He might have become a bit too comfortable around a spiral monster if he basically hugged it in his kitchen, but it wasn’t like he would get rid of it anytime soon, not like Gerry wanted too anyway.

He had tried it in the beginning when the first door had appeared in his vicinity but had given up when nothing had worked and instead seemed to make more doors appear actually. And more Michael as well after a while. Besides, it didn’t seem like Michael really wanted to hurt him, ignoring the occasional headache, and Gerry wasn’t even sure if those were intentional or just a side effect. It also wasn’t the first time either that this or something similar had happened, so Michael had had more than enough opportunities if it actually wanted to hurt him so Gerry would take his chances.

Michael pulled back a little bit, tilting its head slightly while it stared at Gerry. Various things flitted over its face before it seemed to settle on a frown.

“What?”

“You’re crying.”

Sharp fingers pressed against his face. Gentle enough not to cut anything but hard enough that Gerry could feel the edges pressing in his skin.

“I’m not crying.”

Gerry’s answer came slightly muffled thanks to Michael squeezing his face.

Michaels frown intensified, it’s brows curling when it furrowed them until they formed small spirals above its very shifting eyes. Trying to pin down their colour always gave Gerry a headache, but today he might go with bright pin...never mind that.

Michael let go of Gerry’s face and instead held its fingers in front of his eyes, after wiping them over his cheeks. So close in front of Gerry’s eyes in fact, that he had to go cross-eyed to look at them.

“Then what’s this?”

Gerry sighed and wrapped his hand around Michaels to pull it away. Something he knew Michael had to willingly permit because if it didn’t want to move, it wouldn’t budge an inch.

He had figured that out when Michael had decided to join one of his rare movie nights and had just arranged itself on top of him, refusing to move in any way afterwards until Gerry had asked if he was allowed to go to bed or if he should just crash on the couch for the night.

Michael had stirred then and had even trailed after Gerry into his bedroom. But It had left before Gerry got around to ask if it planned on joining him in his bed too.

To his own astonishment, the thought hadn’t bothered him at all. While he would prefer a bit more privacy now and then or at least a warning before someone just popped over, he did enjoy Michaels company. It was nice to have someone around where he hadn’t had to worry about hiding parts of himself or worry about their safety.

Gerry sighed again.

“They’re tears, but I’m not crying.”

Michael’s eyebrows curled up even more.

“It’s not your job to be confusing.”

Michael sounded very indignant about the fact that Gerry didn’t make sense. Gerry chuckled.

“Okay, listen, those are tears, but I’m not sad or something, my eyes are just getting bullied by onions.”

Michael blinked at him before stretching its neck an unnatural amount to glance past him.

The hand that had wrapped itself around Gerry’s waist loosened, and he could hear Michael’s finger sinking into something behind him.

“What are you...Oh.”

One of Michael’s fingers had pierced cleanly through one of the onion, and now it was looking at it with something akin to curiosity.

Gerry raised an eyebrow.

“Congrats, you defeated the evil onion, what are you planning now?”

Michael grinned, its face getting split half by its smile. Sharp teeth revealed themselves when it opened its mouth simply to swallow the onion whole. Peel and still attached roots included.

“What the fuck, Michael.”

It only earned him another face splitting grin.

“Wait, wait, no.” Gerry grabbed Michael’s other hand too, to stop it from skewering more of his onions when it made a move to stab something behind him again..

“Stop eating my onions. I still need them!”

“They hurt you.”

The frown was back on Michael’s face.

“So did the cultists of the people’s church last week and you…”

“I ate them too.”

“You...what?”

Michael shrugged, which looked more like it dislocated its shoulders before letting them pop back into their sockets than an actual shrug, but Gerry assumed that it was supposed to be one.

“I ate them too.”

“Alright, okay...thank you, I suppose?”

“You’re welcome.”

Gerry pulled Michael’s fingers further away from the onions when they started wriggling in his grip, straining for the onions.

“But I still need the onions. I’d like to eat them myself.”

“You do?”

“...Yes? I just need to cut them first.”

“I can help.”

Gerry’s grip on Michael’s hand got laxer, and he could hear another onion getting speared.

“You can?... I mean, if you want too?”

Michael hummed, seemingly satisfied with that compromise.

“I need my hands back.”

Gerry stared at the hands he was still holding in his own as if he saw them for the first time. One onion still stuck on the pinky of Michael’s left hand. He slowly let go of its hands and held his own out for the onion.

Michael pulled the onion of his finger and placed it in Gerry’s hand, literally buzzing with excitement. Gerry had never seen someone so excited about chopping a few onions before.

“I peel them, and you cut them?” Gerry suggested.

“Okay~.”

Gerry was still unsure if he could actually believe what was happening right now when he turned around to pick the discarded knife back up.

“Do you need a knife? … I guess that’s a no.” Gerry snorted when he glanced to the side where Michael already had begun to cut the onion Gerry had started on earlier with his fingers. Knifefingers did seem very practical in this case.

“I’m good.”

“I can see that.”

Gerry started with his own stack, peeling the onions before he handed them over to Michael one by one. Peeling, fortunately, didn’t make his eyes water, and Michael seemed completely unbothered by the fumes.

When Gerry was done, he turned around and leaned back against the counter to watch Michael. It seemed content with its task. It even had started to buzz softly with static. Something Gerry had learned was the Distortions way to hum.

Gerry kept on watching, slowly raising his eyebrow when he noticed something that didn’t seem quite right. He picked up one of the onion slices and unfurled it, revealing an onion spiral.

“Those aren’t onion rings.”, he pointed out, the spiral bouncing between his fingers.

“You never said anything about rings.” Michael giggled, clearly delighted by the situation.

“Fair enough.” Gerry relented. “Onion spirals still work, I guess.”

He pushed himself off the counter, grabbing a bowl out of the cupboard so he could mix the dough while Michael finished its Onion Spirals. He added beer, flour, salt, and eggs to the bowl and stirred them together until they were mixed evenly.

A sharp, too many boned fingers joined the whisk inside the bowl and made Gerry stop. He raised his eyebrow and quietly stared at Michael, saying nothing until it pulled its finger back. Michael gave him a grin, a long multi-coloured tongue darting out between sharp teeth to lick the dough off.

“And what’s the verdict?” Gerry asked, bumping Michael on the nose with the dough covered whisk.

It resulted in Michael breaking out in fractals, colourful lines flickering over the others cheekbones, its curls twisting more wildly than before. Gerry gave his best not to look too closely until Michael had pulled himself together again. He also had no clue what it indicated. This hadn’t happened before.

“What did that mean?”

“What did what mean?”

Gerry really questioned why he even tried.

“Your face? The fractals?”

“Do they have to mean anything?” Michael asked, tilting his head to blink at him. Gerry assumed that at this point, it was being obscure simply to be an annoyance. He could respect that.

“Probably not.” Gerry said, giving up on getting an actual answer.

“Do you want to heat up the oil?” he asked then, switching the topic.

Michael snickered.

“I don’t know, do you want me to use your stove?”

Gerry looked at his stove, then at Michael, then to the onions and then back at his stove.

“You know what? No, I don’t think so.”

Letting the distortion play around with fire, sounded like a sure way to create destruction and Gerry would like to be able to keep using his kitchen for a while longer.

He placed the bowl on the counter and gave the whisk a look, it looked a bit spiralized now, that he had bumped Michael on the nose with it, before dropping it in the sink. He shrugged it off it seemed still useable enough so he didn’t care and even if it wasn’t, it was probably his own fault.

“You could hand me a pot, though”, he said while he started to dip the onion spirals into the bowl, covering them more or less evenly in dough.

Michael didn’t move from the spot it occupied, but it stretched it’s arm to grab a pot, handing it to Gerry. It even got the oil and placed it on the counter next to Gerry.

“Thanks.”

Gerry turned the stove on and poured oil in the pot. He waited for it to boil before he dropped the spirals into it, careful not to splash himself.

“Can you get me a plate too?” he asked. Michael handed him one before he had even finished the sentence.

“You’re surprisingly helpful today.” Gerry pointed out, fishing out the first finished Onion Spirals, placing them on the plate to cool.

“I’m always helpful.”, Michael replied, and Gerry snickered when he noticed its pout.

“No, you’re not, but that’s okay. You wouldn’t be you if you’d be helpful all the time, but it’s nice nonetheless so thank you.”

Gerry smiled at Michael and offered him one of the finished Spirals. Michael looked at it, taking a moment before it plugged the Onion Spiral out of Gerry’s fingers. Colours danced over his cheeks again, this time in the form of small dots instead of fractals. It also seemed more put together than earlier. It didn’t hurt to look at Michael this time, at least not more than usual. Gerry still didn’t know what it meant, but could it be Michael’s way of blushing? He scrapped that thought immediately, there was no way that the distortion was blushing. There was no reason, anyway.

“And?”, he asked after Michael had shoved the Spiral in its mouth.

“Crunchy.”

“Is that...good?”

Michael buzzed as if thinking about it. “Mhhh… I think….. I think I like it.”

Gerry laughed, dropping the next bunch of Onion Spirals into the oil.

“You don’t sound very sure.”

“It’s hard to be sure if you’re me.” Michael pointed out, moving over to sit on the counter, next to where Gerry was working. Likely so it would have a better view on the frying Onion Spirals. It shouldn’t be able to fit on the counter without bumping into a cupboard or toppling something over, but somehow Michael made it possible.

Since it had hadn’t shrunken, Gerry assumed that some parts of his kitchen were folded away into pocket dimensions. He just couldn’t figure out which parts and thinking about it threatened to give him a migraine.

“Is there anything you are sure about?”, he asked instead, not expecting an answer.

“Yes.”

Gerry looked up from the pot, surprise written on his face. He raised an eyebrow he hadn’t expected such a clear reply. Not from Michael.

“Like what?” he asked, and Michael grinned at him.

“I won’t tell you.”

“Because you can’t or because you don’t want too?” Gerry pushed further. Michael shrugged.

“Maybe both?” It offered but made it sound more like a question than an answer.

“You can be very frustrating, do you know that?” Gerry chuckled, fishing out the last few Onion Spirals, or he tried to. Michael plucked the last one straight out of the boiling oil before Gerry got to it. Obviously unbothered by the heat.

“I know.” it said with another face splitting grin, popping the Spiral into his mouth.

“At least you know something.”, Gerry snorted and turned the stove off, shoving the pot to the side.

“I know a lot of things.” Michael replied, swinging its legs so that its feet bumped slightly against the counter.

“You do?” Gerry asked amused, stepping between Michael’s legs so he could brace his hands against the counter.

“I know enough.”

“Like?” Gerry asked again. This was starting to make fun, even if it didn’t lead anywhere. Michael didn’t seem to mind either.

“I know…”

“Yes?” Gerry prompted when Michael stopped, a grin tugging on his lips.

“I know that I would like to kiss you.”

That was unexpected, and Gerry’s throat was suddenly very dry.

“Oh.” was all he managed to ring out, looking up at Michael. It stared back, technicolour eyes fixed on him.

“Can I kiss you, Gerry?”

Gerry nodded slowly, swallowing dryly when Michael’s hands cradled his face gently. Its fingers felt wrong against his skin, but at the same time, they felt entirely right.

The moment until Michael’s lips met his own felt like it stretched on eternally. When Michael’s not quite mouth finally met his, colours exploded behind Gerry’s eyes, and he gasped. A tongue sneaked past his open lips, pressing against his own before exploring Gerry’s mouth. Michael tasted like a mix of blueberries, cotton candy and the colour yellow. Gerry feared that he might become addicted to the taste, he already craved more.

He felt dizzy when Michael pulled back and had to actively hold onto the counter to keep standing, but there was also a huge smile on his face, and he would gladly put up with some dizziness if it meant that he could kiss Michael again.

“I think I was wrong.”

“Wha..?”, Gerry asked, still trying to get his bearings together.

“You don’t taste horrible, you’re absolutely delicious.” Michael said, its hands slipping from Gerry’s face to his shoulders.

Gerry blinked and started laughing. Not the smartest reaction maybe when the personification of the fear of madness told you that you were tasty, but he didn’t feel threatened. Perhaps being around Michael made him lose the last bit of sanity he had but right now that also was a price he was very willing to pay.

“So you’re gonna eat me?” he asked.

“Maybe.” Michael hummed, pressing a kiss against Gerry’s jaw.

“Not sure how, though.”

Gerry shuddered when teeth scratched over his skin, a shiver running down his spine.

“Definitely better than Onions in whatever form.” Michael added and pulled back again.

“Glad you like me better than Onions.” Gerry chuckled and pushed himself up on his toes so he could press his lips against Michael’s once more.

“I always like you more than onions.” Michael murmured against his lips before leaning into the kiss. Kissing Michael was still an experience, but this time it felt less disorientating even if it kept making his head swim. Gerry hummed happily and let his eyes flutter shut.

“You know, can’t really compare it right now, but I’m pretty sure I like you more than Onions too.”

Michael snickered.

“Good.” It decided.

“Because I know that I really like this.”

“I like it too.” Gerry hummed, wrapping his arms around Michael’s torso.

“So we can keep doing this?.”

“Yeah as much as you want too.”

The Onion Spirals were forgotten on the counter, but if Gerry had known where it would lead, then he would’ve tried cutting some onions way sooner.

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't pure crack but it feels pretty close to pure crack
> 
> I have absolutley no excuse for this and if I ever have to write 'Onion Spirals' again it's gonna be too soon


End file.
